


because we’re bored

by ineternity



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Group chat, Multi, The Vault (Doctor Who), dumbasses being dumbasses, facebook messenger, twissy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2020-06-24 22:45:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19733191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineternity/pseuds/ineternity
Summary: The Series 10 gang in a group chat. Chaos ensues.





	1. because this definitely won’t end badly

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Madam_Violet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madam_Violet/gifts).



> Because the S10 gang definitely had a group chat at some point  
> ...and because Missy is primeminister. And a snake.

Doctor Disco created a chat

Doctor Disco changed the name to ‘sunshine and happiness gang’

Doctor Disco added ✨weird mad woman ✨

Doctor Disco added ‘disposable 1’

Doctor Disco renamed themselves The Responsible Adult

weird mad woman: this had better be important

weird mad woman: im watching the one with mcauley culkin in

The Responsible Adult: ????

The Responsible Adult: I’m not sure how you even got that, aren’t you too cynical for Home Alone?

weird mad woman: i resent that accusation

The Responsible Adult: Nardole pick up

disposable 1: w26;’]\\\\(==\\\\\\\

disposable 1: h29oo]]]

disposable 1: lwnm 

weird mad woman: do you think he actually knows how to type

disposable 1: [[[[pkjsb

weird mad woman: oh my god

The Responsible Adult: I’m sure he can see what I’m typing. Anyway I thought having somewhere we can all talk would be helpful, especially now Missy has a phone (that she hasn’t smuggled). I’m away for a few days so I can see that you two behave yourselves

weird mad woman: wooo

The Responsible Adult: It’s 1999 so we won’t look suspicious to anyone using a phone but don’t make it too obvious.

weird mad woman: 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

weird mad woman: did I ever tell you how much I love 1999

weird mad woman changed their name to sidewinder

sidewinder: get it

sidewinder: because

The Responsible Adult: Yes

sidewinder: im a snake

disposable 1: n;lllllmjg

sidewinder: nobody ever appreciates me

2nd February 2001

sidewinder: well this chat is dead

7th February 2001

sidewinder: lmao

10th November 2006

sidewinder: hey come downstairs

sidewinder: im on prime-ministers question time

sidewinder: look

sidewinder sent an image

sidewinder: how am I so attractive

(12:36) The Responsible Adult: You haven’t actually spoken yet, this could be okay.

(12:39) The Responsible Adult: I take it back.

disposable 1:arent you ,eant to be in class

sidewinder: stop pinging me 

The Responsible Adult: It’s only a pop quiz they don’t mind.

disposable 1: gLad youre taking your job seriously

sidewinder: hey have we got that hyper vodka from last night

sidewinder: take a shot every time I say ‘economic instability’

The Responsible Adult: I’ve sworn off alcohol poisoning since that time on Vega 4.

sidewinder: gOd that was ages ago

sidewinder: i’ve just got into a debate with the prime minister 

sidewinder: has anyone got some bleach like urgently

(13:06) The Responsible Adult: It’s over you can come out now.

The Responsible Adult: I was showing my class, apparently you’re a solid 9/10.

sidewinder: im going to fucking choke you

sidewinder: that was a joke if nardole was watching

disposable 1: youre hilarious

sidewinder: tell your class they’ve clearly never actually been outside before soooo

The Responsible Adult: Who needs to go outside when you have entertainment like this?

sidewinder: h a

10th July 2007

sidewinder: hey guys I’m on tv again

sidewinder: come down here come ooonnnnn

disposable 1: haD my fill of genocide for today thankss 

sidewinder: ayyy I just shot the president

disposable 1: .

sidewinder: come on

sidewinder: loooook I’m being cool

sidewinder: egg pls this is part of your cultural education

sidewinder: come hither my tiny egg son

sidewinder: ew i take that back i’d never have a son

sidewinder: hello???

sidewinder: honestly this is prime time tv they should pay me for being this entertaining

sidewinder: i give up

sidewinder: bye losers


	2. because we can’t sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy likes ASMR. Missy likes getting on people’s nerves. Missy also likes screaming, party crashing and getting crazy for Christmas.

23rd November 2008

disposable 1: I can hear you from upstaiRs

disposable 1: what the hell are you doing

sidewinder: recreating the battle of the chromotids 

disposable 1: missy I can’t sleep

sidewinder: go watch asmr egg

disposable 1: ??

The Responsible Adult: There should be some sleep patches in the TARDIS.

disposable 1: what’s asmr;\\\

sidewinder: people touch plastic bags and it makes you feel good

sidewinder: then they say stuff that makes you not want to stab somebody 

disposable 1: why would someone video themselves touching plastic bags

sidewinder: i don’t know maybe it’s to stop them murdering people

sidewinder: 

disposable 1: hey why am i called disposable 1

disposable 1: Doctor how do i change it

The Responsible Adult: Wait There, I’ll come down and show you just in case you do something stupid.

disposable 1: never,ind found it

‘disposable 1’ deleted the chat

  
‘The Responsible Adult’ created a chat

‘The Responsible Adult’ changed the name to ‘never let Nardole do anything’

The Responsible Adult added 🐍 sidewinder 🐍

The Responsible Adult added ‘disposable 1’

‘disposable 1’ changed their name to ‘permanently exhausted’

(1:06) permanently exhausted: i was handling it

The Responsible Adult: It looked like it.

permanently exhausted: why are you screaming missy

sidewinder: im re-enacting the bit where I get stabbed through the hearts

sidewinder: ahskdlljshsbdbcmnskwdjiokmrfi

sidewinder: hgsjslalpakdhsjlam

sidewinder: (I’m keyboard smashing for dramatic effect)

sidewinder: okay im done

The Responsible Adult: Of course. Good to clarify. Thanks.

24th December 2008

sidewinder: nobody ever responds to my messages where are you 

permanently exhausted: university cbristmas party and before you say anything no youre not allowed

sidewinder: rude of you to assume I want to be invited

permanently exhausted: rude of you to gatecrash the last one with a giant inflatable tiger

permanently exhausted: we’re still finding bits of him in the carpet

The Responsible Adult: Mr Claws was the worst pun you could have got out of that situation. 

sidewinder: you’re under the impression that I take your opinion into consideration

permanently exhausted: nobody likes your puns they’re just too scared to admit it

sidewinder: why do I waste my time here

sidewinder: im going to sleep

The Responsible Adult: Phew.

permanently exhausted: thank the gods

permanently exhausted: doctor, are you still up for that drink or not

sidewinder: wait

sidewinder: hold a sec

sidewinder: what’s the date today

permanently exhausted: not the 24th

The Responsible Adult: Nardole I might need that drink now

permanently exhausted: why can I hear a rumbl//ing noise

permanently exhausted: oh my god

permanently exhausted: don’t go downstairs 

The Responsible Adult: Is that you screaming or should I be concerned

permanently exhausted: oh my god help

permanently exhausted: please hel

The Responsible Adult: Nardole? 

The Responsible Adult: ...

The Responsible Adult: Merry Christmas???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all those who kept refreshing the Twelve/Missy tag every day in the year before Spyfall e.g The Twissy drought of 2019. Keep the faith ;)


	3. because we're suckers for a scientist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which 12 meets O and O meets Missy.
> 
> sidewinder: Missy  
> permanently exhausted: Nardole  
> The Responsible Adult: The Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Day 3 of 'Content Week', I will be your host today!
> 
> This fic exists as a continuing reminder that Missy exists and that Chibnall is a coward and can duel me in a car park. Enjoy!

1st June 2009 (15:23)

sidewinder: im bored 

sidewinder: what’s going on

The Responsible Adult: You’re not missing anything. 

The Responsible Adult: Ofsted came. 

The Responsible Adult: Was it Ofsted? The human said they were from MI6. I didn’t think they sent secret service agents to schools anymore, that was just in the 80s, right?

sidewinder: MI6???? you’re not that important

sidewinder: was he pretty?

The Responsible Adult: You’re assuming its a he.

sidewinder: oh I just know these things

The Responsible Adult: No. I don’t think he was pretty. His face was pleasant to look at though.

sidewinder: what did he even do??? clearly not doing this undercover thing very well

The Responsible Adult: Sat in one of my lectures. He said it was ‘interesting’ and then tried to correct me on particle physics. Apparently MI6 are putting money into the University. We had a drink together, like humans do.

sidewinder: who’d want to invest here

sidewinder: full offence 

The Responsible Adult: Thanks.

sidewinder: doctor. humans don’t just ask people for drinks unless they like them. like LIKE them.

The Responsible Adult: Oh. I assumed he was dehydrated.

sidewinder: my dear doctor you have been naïve

The Responsible Adult: Stop quoting yourself and I might take you seriously. 

sidewinder: noted. what did he look like?

The Responsible Adult: He had long eyelashes. Longer than normal eyelashes, I told him they were scientifically fascinating eyelashes. Big eyebrows too. And eyes. Big brown eyes that dilated when you looked at them. He was a man. I think. I didn’t ask. I liked his suit though and his hair. I liked his hair.

sidewinder: ‘’’’scientifically fascinating’’’’

sidewinder: you do realise you just typed a whole paragraph about a man you claim not to have a crush on

sidewinder: do I need to kill him

The Responsible Adult: No Missy.

The Responsible Adult: You wouldn’t like him.

sidewinder: ask him to go somewhere with you, I want to see how badly this goes

The Responsible Adult: What’s in this for me?

sidewinder: i’ll stop beating you at scrabble for a week

The Responsible Adult: Deal.

(22:33)

The Responsible Adult: He gave me his telephone number. I said I’d let him talk to you as an experiment.

The Responsible Adult: He’s very interested in moral conditioning. I said you were my wife.

sidewinder: oh yay we’re married now

sidewinder: never thought you’d agree without a knife

The Responsible Adult: Be nice, Missy. I’ll let him on now.

The Responsible Adult changed their name to The Responsible Adult (O)

The Responsible Adult (O): Hello Missy.

sidewinder: hello ‘o’

sidewinder: sounds a bit like yodelling that does 

sidewinder: funny name ‘O’ 

sidewinder: oooOoOoOoO

sidewinder: bit like updog really

The Responsible Adult (O): Ah Yes. Updog. I’m well versed with that name. I presume The Doctor knows what it is?

sidewinder: he keeps forgetting it’s hilarious

permanently exhausted: hye guys 

sidewinder: oh hi nardole 

permanently exhausted: whats updog

The Responsible Adult (O): Nothing much man how about you?

sidewinder: nothin much dawg how bout you?

sidewinder: i love you O

permanently exhausted: i dont gte it

sidewinder: leave

permanently exhausted: ????

The Responsible Adult (O): So Missy. The Doctor told me you live in an Assisted Living home?

sidewinder: mmmhmm yup 

sidewinder: the Doctor does the assistance, I do the living 

sidewinder: depends what you class as living

The Responsible Adult (O): Do you ever go outside?

sidewinder: pahahaha why would I need to do that

The Responsible Adult (O): To... live? You literally need Vitamin D or you die.

sidewinder: whoopsies

The Responsible Adult (O): So I’m talking to a dead woman.

sidewinder: p much yeah

The Responsible Adult (O): You really are fascinating. Do you know that?

sidewinder: people don’t ever use that word

sidewinder: it’s always ‘murderer’ or ‘psychopath’ (I prefer megalomaniac) or ‘let go of the knife missy’

The Responsible Adult (O): No one’s ever told you you’re beautiful?

sidewinder: why would they do that

The Responsible Adult (O): Oh darling.

sidewinder: ‘oh’ okay

sidewinder: has anybody ever told you your name’s a pun

The Responsible Adult (O): Constantly.

sidewinder: so ‘O’

sidewinder: (still sounds like I’m yodelling, m not by the way)

sidewinder: if I said the words quantum fold chamber extravenous locking system would that mean anything to you?

The Responsible Adult (O): Absolutely wouldn’t. Don’t even know what that is. Couldn’t know that, me.

sidewinder: okay “O” 

The Responsible Adult (O): Yes?

sidewinder: nice talking to you

sidewinder: spymaster

The Responsible Adult (O): I’ll see you on the other side, Missy.

permanently exhausted: fck does that mean 

The Responsible Adult (O) changed his nickname to The Responsible Adult 

The Responsible Adult: O’s off now. Something about spies and falling? Lovely man. Lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely man.

sidewinder: please put down the drink doctor 

**Author's Note:**

> So one of my favourite writers (Madam Violet!) created a Vault themed group chat on Discord and I sort of got inspired to write a stupid little chat fic. We’re hoping to get more people on and maybe revive a bit of the fandom maybe, I hope. Here’s the join link if anyone wants it.
> 
> https://discord.gg/Y7hJQDn


End file.
